the best hipsters, anorexics do make

So the other night, a couple of my friends and I traverse across the river to get some dinner. [Background tip: For those of you not familiar w/ “across the river,” it refers to that half of town not associated with campus, i.e. that half of town where undergraduates have not yet learned to venture due to the general higher prices and increased need of a vehicle and driver.] We settle upon a small hot-dog-joint-slash-bar dubbed DT Kirbys. Immediately you should recognize the charm of this establishment by its status as not only a hot dog/burger/fries restaurant but also as a fully stocked bar. Its charm also arises in the facts that the venue is tiny, has original hard-wood floors, minimal and crappy decorating, and contains a TV set in one side of the front display windows, opposite of bleachers in the other display window, for your convenient sidewalk viewing.

So my two friends and I nestle into one of the close-quarters tables and begin to glance over our coffee-stained menus. Our waiter stops by to take our orders (notably without pad and paper because he is that good). He, indubitably doing his part to add to DT’s allure, is the quintessential across-the-river hipster [Background tip 2: Again for those of you not familiar w/ “across the river,” it is teeming with an unusual number of hipsters for a Midwestern rural college town. We have yet to determine where these hipsters come from. Perhaps they sleep all day only to come out after dusk. And perhaps water frightens them, preventing them from venturing back across the river to be spotted near our campus-dwellings. Or perhaps they’re all hiding out in the liberal arts buildings laboring away at their novels and poems and soulful paintings, and thus we have yet to cross their paths as we toil away with our soulless science.]. My two friends and I proceed to get into a discussion (see above, background tip 2) regarding these beloved hipsters whom we have repeatedly observed from afar, furtively noting their fashion sense (or, at times, lack thereof).

Sam remarks that most hipsters aren’t particularly friendly. Lina and I mentally scan the breadth of our hipster acquaintances and promptly nod our heads in agreement. Now, I hate to make broad-sweeping stereotypical statements so let me quickly express that I don’t think this is true for aaaaaaall hipsters, but in general this does seem to fit the mold. For example, Hipster DT Waiter - not particularly friendly. He was a fine waiter, don’t get me wrong, and (almost) promptly fulfilled all of our requests. But, there was no service with a smile. The tricky thing about hipsters, though, is that you can’t take their cold-shoulder-first-impression personally because they will often come around for a second impression and engage you with a witty comment or, if you're really lucky, an actual exchange of sentences. This interaction will inevitably leave you with a smile and a bit of hop in your step as you walk away thinking, “That’s right; that just happened. Hipster Acquaintance just talked to me. Who’s the cool cat now bitches?” (Of course it's still not you, because you just used "cool cat" to refer to yourself. Lose.)

Progressing through our intellectual conversation, I mention that the best hipsters are the skinniest hipsters. To get an A+ hipster grade I’m thinking you need to have a bit of an anorexic-look to you. To be fair to those of you who enjoy food, crack addiction should serve the same purpose. You know what I’m talking about though, that peakish appearance that is only achievable after a significant period of deprivation. No amount of exercise and sweat will achieve this appearance, for these things will build muscle and bulk – both, no no’s for hipsterdom.

I think this criterion is useful to hipsters in two ways. First, it acts as a discriminator: the hipster population will quickly plateau once the supply of individuals willing to make the necessary sacrifices to achieve a peakish look exhausts itself (or those individuals w/ fantastic metabolism). Secondly, the wispy look of being under-fed is favorable to the hipster style.
Think about it, chicken legs make the best legs for sporting skinny jeans and loafers/chucks.

Tiny biceps look the best in baggy tank tops.

A pixie-face best accentuates oversized sunglasses.

A hollow torso provides the best landscape for an oversized flannel.

A v-neck is flattered best by piercing collarbones.
pic courtesy of the one Mitchell Grant Gardiner

And no butt makes skinny jeans’ butt sag in the best way.

My friends and I decided the facts that 1) hipsters are always hungry and 2) their balls are tucked in a bit too tight, inevitably explain the perpetual chip on their shoulder… And this is why, much to my dismay, I will never successfully become a hipster. “Pass the cheeseburgers please.”